


Mr. Pool's Wild Ride

by WaterMe



Category: Deadpool (Movieverse), Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: "there was only one uber", COVID 19, Car Sex, Domestic Kink, Fake/Pretend Relationship, First Kiss, Forced Voyeurism, Getting Together, M/M, QuarantineFest 2020, What Have I Done, but maybe it should be, dopinder did not sign up for this, fading to black before intercourse is apparently now my brand, over the pants stuff, these boys play gay chicken to win, this is not actually a thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:27:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23233978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaterMe/pseuds/WaterMe
Summary: Dopinder fumed, determined to catch Spidey in a lie. "If you and DP have truly been bumping your uglies, you will obviously know his favored pair of underclothes.""Easy. MeUndies, the limited edition, glow-in-the-dark 'octopi in space' pattern.""Three times softer than cotton," Deadpool whispered, awed.(the "There Was Only One Uber" fake-relationship COVID-lockdown fic)
Relationships: Peter Parker/Wade Wilson, Spider-Man/Deadpool
Comments: 61
Kudos: 554
Collections: Isn't it Bromantic?





	Mr. Pool's Wild Ride

**Author's Note:**

> The mayor of NYC just banned multiple people riding in an Uber/Lyft unless you're a "real couple." That's it. That's the story.
> 
> Thanks to [Orange_Coyote](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Orange_Coyote) for the prompt, [Lord Avon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lordavon/pseuds/lordavon) for "What does he sleep in?" "Me." (best. line. ever), and [Vashoth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vashoth) for the swift and titillating beta ❤️

"I'm sorry, Mr. 'Pool," said Dopinder, twitching, "but the mayor has decreed that taxicabs must take only one customer per ride."

Dopinder was wearing a medical mask, construction goggles, a rain poncho, and at least three layers of nitrile gloves. He wielded a can of Lysol spray like a weapon. Deadpool was willing to bet money that the trunk was stuffed full of TP and hand sanitizer.

Deadpool rubbed the bridge of his nose. "You gotta be kidding me. Are you gonna let The Man tell you how to live your life, buddy?" He abruptly stepped into Dopinder's space, delighted when he leapt back, eyes wide.

"As you know, DP, I normally live my life under the doctrine known as 'Fuck the Establishment.'" The tiny man was so earnest it hurt. "However, these are astonishing times, and we live under the threatening specter of plague and pandemic."

Spider-Man shifted nervously beside them. "I mean I could, uh, swing to the X-Mansion? Probably? I think there's trees or something on the way. Or I could just stick myself to the top of the cab?"

"Oh, no. No, no, no, baby boy. You don't get to call shotgun on roof-of-the-car privileges. Anyway, Daddy promised you a ride and Daddy's delivering." Spider-Man's lenses widened a hair. Deadpool rounded back to Dopinder. "We're not going to get sick," he explained patiently. This was like dealing with a toddler. "Our healing factors can fight off any virus. Or at least that's the excuse the authors always use to let me raw him into infinity."

Spider-Man visibly twitched. Dopinder perked up. "Mr. 'Pool! May I take your boast of engaging in what the youths refer to as 'reproductive roulette' to indicate that the two of you are Facebook official?"

"No!" blurted Spidey.

"Ah," sighed Dopinder. "That is a great shame, as the mayor has stated that two people in a relationship may share a ride. However, he was careful to specify that this exception only applies to 'real couples.'"

Deadpool and Spidey looked at each other, then back at Dopinder.

Spidey spoke up. "I mean, we are!" He looked at Deadpool, and awkwardly grabbed at his hand. "We're totally in a relationship! We've just been, uh, keeping it quiet. Right, baby... cakes?"

Deadpool stared at him for a long moment, then pulled Spidey against his side so fast the snack-sized super yelped. Dopinder's eye spasmed at the vulgar display of basic human connection. Deadpool beamed. "Totally, my luscious gum drop! We are totally, one-hundred percent, legit dating!"

Narrowing his eyes, Dopinder looked at Deadpool. "Then why have I not heard of this, my friend? I believed the back seat of my cab to be your sacred confessional."

"I asked him not to tell anyone? Because I'm... shy." Spidey nodded to himself. "It's, uh, we're new."

With a suspicious glare, Dopinder begrudgingly ushered them into the back seat of the taxi in a cloud of disinfectant spray.

"So, Mr. Man Spider," he said, starting the car and pulling out. "If you and my very good friend DP have truly boarded the train of domestic contentment, what is his favorite color?"

Spidey leaned back. "His favorite color is unicorn, duh."

"Hah!" shouted Dopinder, twisting away from the wheel to glare at Spidey from a cautious, CDC-sanctioned distance. "I knew you were a fraud! It is clearly red, like the blood of his enemies."

Clenching the seat, Spidey peered nervously around Dopinder's shoulders. Deadpool pulled out his phone. "No, he's totally right, see?" The case was a swirl of iridescent pink, lavender, and teal, with a hefty dose of glitter. Some chump had put it in the tweenager section at Target, but DP knew a bargain when he saw it. "Unicorn, see? My favorite color!"

Dopinder turned back to the road, swerving around a bicyclist just in time. "You win this one, _imposter._ But answer me this: which gun is his favorite?"

"Well," said Spidey, thoughtfully. "He tells everyone it's Stella, because she's a good-time girl. But he's got one called Marley, from that dog movie, you know? And Marley's the one he keeps under his pillow every night."

Deadpool glanced at Spidey. Had he ever mentioned that? If he had, it was ages ago. Dopinder huffed from the front seat. "Very well. How, then, did the two of you embark upon the journey of your epic romance?"

"Do you mean our first date?" Spidey ducked his head, thought about it, and then looked up. "Well, we had been out patrolling, right? And I got tossed around pretty bad. Was _not_ feeling good. And I was just lying there on this rooftop waiting for, like, death to take me, and the next thing I know he's coming back with ice packs and bandages, and a whole-ass picnic - cheese, crackers, even candles. And that was when I really knew."

Deadpool stared, astonished. He remembered that night fondly. The candles had actually been a hack-job of french fry oil and some dumpster twine. He'd also faced down an alley raccoon and emerged triumphant with a single, half-eaten rose. When he presented it, Spidey had mimed swooning and quoted _Gone with the Wind._ He'd been laying it on thick to cheer up an injured pal, but now that Spidey mentioned it... that night had been romantic as fuck.

Dopinder fumed, determined to catch Spidey in a lie. "If you and DP have been bumping your uglies, you will obviously know his favored pair of underclothes."

"Easy. MeUndies, the limited edition, glow-in-the-dark 'octopi in space' pattern."

"Three times softer than cotton," Deadpool whispered, awed.

"And is that what he usually sleeps in?"

Spider-Man chuckled, folded his arms on the divider, and leaned into the front seat. Dopinder practically crawled out the window in his attempt to maintain social distance. "Usually," Spidey drawled, "he sleeps in me."

Deadpool lost the ability to breathe for a second. "Baby boy," he growled, "You'd better watch what you say if you don't want me to give a live reenactment of last night."

Leaning back into his seat, Spidey said, "I don't think Dopinder needs to hear about our fifth re-watch of _Star Trek: Voyager,_ schnookums."

"Snugglemuffin, if you weren't wearing a mask right now I'd be kissing the shit out of you."

Maintaining eye contact (lens contact?), Spidey slowly, deliberately rolled his mask up and over his nose.

 _Freckles,_ gasped Deadpool's single remaining braincell. _He has freckles._

He pushed up his own mask and reached out to cradle Spidey's face, one thumb stretching to brush over his bottom lip. He leaned in slowly, gave him time for an out. And then Wade Fucking Wilson was kissing Spider-Man.

Spidey moved against him leisurely, mouth and tongue twisting around his with what felt like practiced familiarity. Pulling back slightly, Deadpool murmured, "How do you know all that stuff about me, baby boy?"

"I guess you could say I've been paying attention for a while."

Deadpool sat back all the way. "Wait a sec, banana-booties. Are you saying you _like_ -like me?"

"Well, I sure hope so, my delectable tater-tot. You _are_ my boyfriend, after all." Spidey somehow made one of his lenses wink. He wedged his knee up against the back window and pulled Deadpool between his thighs. "Hey, do you think that Thai place you like is still open for take-out? We could do a date-night in."

Deadpool kissed him again, curling against the long, hard line of Spidey's torso as well as the long, hard line of - oh, _hello_ there. He ground forward and Spidey moaned and tipped his head back. Deadpool started working diligently on a hickey, paused for a moment, and said, "Sure thing, twinkie-boo, just don't let me forget that it's recycling night." Spidey hauled him back in mouth-first, pushing his hips up hard against the party in Deadpool's pants.

"God, kitten-tits," Spidey gasped. "You always know just what I like."

Deadpool set a fast rhythm, thrusting like he was trying to fuck straight through Spidey's pants and into the seat below. It didn't take long before Spidey was squirming like a wildcat beneath him, muttering a nonsensical stream of "hey, _fuck, yeah, there,_ did you already, _omigod,_ pay the, _fuck,_ the power bill? _shitshitshit."_ Deadpool had never been so turned on by household budgeting in his life.

Spidey was moaning loudly now, gasping "please, fuck, babe, _please."_

Deadpool moved in close, nuzzled Spidey's cheek. "Say my name, baby boy."

 _"Wade,"_ moaned Spidey, "Wade, please," and then he was crying out against Deadpool's mouth, body going stiff. Deadpool rode him through it, gradually slowing his roll until Spidey fumbled for his hips and pushed him away.

Sitting back, Deadpool freed his cock with a satisfying rip of velcro. Easy access, babyyyyy. He pulled his glove off with his teeth, tossed it casually onto Spidey's chest, and got to work. There was something creepily erotic about the sight of Spidey's giant white eyes locked on his dick.

"Um," Spidey said, weakly gesturing at his front.

"Don't worry, my eight-legged lovebug," Deadpool said. "It's my turn to do laundry." Spidey's breath caught and his head hit the window with a _thunk._

"Hey Wade?" he said. "I've been meaning to ask you something."

"Anything, Princess Butterballs," Wade cooed.

"How do you feel about kids?"

The cab swerved as Dopinder almost drove them into a railing. Deadpool groaned and came hard, spurting baby batter almost up to Spidey's chin. He swore and leaned in for another long, filthy kiss.

Eventually, he peeled away to sit up and crack his back. He rapped on the divider. "Dopinder, my friend? Change of plans. I need to get this fuckpuppy home. I've just issued a shelter-in-bed order for the next two weeks, at minimum."

"But DP," Dopinder complained, "we have almost arrived! It is an hour back into the city!" Still, he turned around at the next exit, whining under his breath about his petrol bill.

Deadpool turned back to Spidey.

"So, here's what I'm thinking," he said, petting him like a cat. "I'm gonna make you mess up this suit at LEAST one more time on the way home, then we'll pick up Thai from that place that you fuckin' KNOW I love, and then we're gonna see just how far down these freckles go."

Spidey purred. He really _was_ a cat. His fingers toyed with the bottom of his mask. "Get me off good enough on the way home, and maybe I'll even let you see how far they go up."

🖤❤️🖤❤️🖤❤️🖤

**Author's Note:**

> hi hello apparently my brand is now weird hot handjobs with the promise of more sex but then *fade to black*  
> Let me know what you think - comments are a good dopamine hit in these troubled times. And stay safe, everyone ❤️
> 
> Prompt from spaceboundwitch ([Orange_Coyote](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Orange_Coyote)) on the "Isn't It Bromantic" Discord:  
>   
> 


End file.
